Impressionableprint777’s Weblog

Last night walking through Walmart with my family my, daughter grabbed my arm and began tugging and yelling at me to please go with her.  She had something to show me.  We grew closer to the poster section of the store.  In the distance I could see posters of Hannah Montana, and the Jonas Brothers.  I said to her, “Yayyy the Jonas Brothers!”  She corrected me, “NO MOMMY!!!”  She pulled me around to the other side to show me the poster framed and hanging in the store, and said, “Look Mommy, Barack Obama!”
My daughter at age 3 recognized who the leader of our country is, she knew someone of our government, and she jumped up and down excited to see his face.  It was an amazing moment for me.  Before my children were born I thought that the world was over racism and that I wouldn’t have to worry about the kind of opposition that they would face.  I was naive and as a mother of Biracial children I have learned of the “innocent” ignorance that people of all races harbor.  I have probably learned more about the ignorance of people BECAUSE I am white.  People look at me, see the color of my skin and assume that my beliefs would be the same as theirs.  I have had many people ask me if my children were adopted, I have had people ask me if I was my children’s nanny.  I have had many people start conversations with me like this, “I am not racist, BUT…..”   And I began to see all the hardships that my children may face.  But today, I truly feel that a change has come.  Today I have a dream.  After today my children will grow up in a world where the leader of our country will look like them, the leader of our country had a family that looked just like my children’s family.  After today I pray that I will have to open up a history book to teach my children about racism and segregation.  After today I pray that my daughter looks at me in disbelief when I tell her that there was a time when her father and I never could have been a family.  After today the world will change.  Regardless of the way that Barack Obama’s Presidency is judged, he has already changed this world.  I have only seen people of this country unite like this once before in my life, 911.  I have seen videos of the united sorrow people shared when JFK was assassinated.  But for the first time in my life I am seeing people unite for HOPE.  I feel good about the future of my children.  I don’t know what the economic status of my children will be, but what I do know is that they will never have someone tell them that something is impossible for them.  Because after today they will know, “Yes We Can!”
Whether you voted for Barack Obama or not, now is the time for us all to pray for him, his family, our country, and our Future.  I thank God that I alive today for this moment in History.  Thank You God!

Manny left today to fly up to Boston and interview for a new job promotion.  It’s pretty exciting.  I have been feeling a whirlwind of emotions.  Naturally, I have excitement for being with my family in the town I grew up in.  I’ll be able to be with my Mom and Dad, Brothers and Sister, Niece and Nephews.  Alayna and Xavier will grow up knowing my family and have friends in their cousins.  Our living situation will be completely different from our struggles here in Florida.  We will finally have a little room to breathe and (imagine this…) have a savings account!  So, why does my heart ache a little at the thought of moving?  When I first moved here all I wanted was to be home in Massachusetts, and I was very vocal about that.  I came here a young, newly married, immature person.  If Manny gets this job I will be leaving as a Christian, Wife, Mother, former business owner and a much stronger person.  This past week at our churches marriage and family’s life group, Pastor Chris talked about having a strong foundation in order to have a strong Marriage and Family.  I can’t help but wonder, did God bring me to Florida to build my foundation?  I know that if Manny and I had gone through the same struggles in the comfort of the home I have always known in Massachusetts, I would have converted into the immature girl I was and given up.  But by being in Florida and having a great church in my corner, I was forced to push through and overcome incredible struggles.

            I’ll never forget the first time that I attended a church function.  It was a wedding shower and welcome party for Manny and I moving here.  The very first person I met walked up to me, hugged me and said, “I have known Manny my whole life, and I love him, so I love you!”  I thought, “Great!  A church full of crazy people!”  But what I hadn’t realized was that, she meant it in her heart.  And soon I would know that same kind of love for God and people inside of my own heart!  

 I remember praying for God to please give me some friends here in Florida, He sent me Tom Fike.  Tom strong armed me into being friends with everyone!!!  He introduced me to anyone in a half mile radius of where I was standing.  Those friends soon became my family.  And this family has been there for me through everything.  This church family was there when my children were born, when our business was struggling, when our house almost burnt down, and now a potential move.   When given word that we may be moving, we’ve received nothing but love and support. 

In just a few days, I will know whether or not we will be making this move, and no matter what the verdict, it will break my heart.  If we have to leave, I’ll never forget Pastor Ken and Cher welcoming us into the church, Karen Higginbotham treating me like a daughter, Tom Fike forcing me to come out of my Bostonian shell, The Baby showers for my children, being with me in the Hospital when they were born, babysitting when I had no place for my children to go, and praying with us during the hard times. God has given me a family in this church.  I feel like if my life were a book, my chapters here in Florida would be right in the center.  Being in Florida, and being in this church has shown me the kind of person, wife, and mother that I want to be.  And if I go back to Massachusetts it will be with God in my life and love in my heart. I don’t care if people think I am one of those “crazy” people, I have a love in my heart that can not be left behind. 

   Yesterday after picking up my kids up from my sister in law’s house I was driving down Eldron heading toward Malabar Rd.  I was sitting behind a mini van while waiting at the red light.  The lane I was in got the green arrow to make a left turn, and so the mini van began to go, when suddenly a car flew threw his red light and slammed into the mini van, sending the mini van spinning in the 4 lane intersection.  Had I been one second sooner leaving my sister in laws house, it could have been me that was hit.  My car would never be able to protect me and my kids in an accident like that!  Thank God everyone in both cars are alive! 

  Thinking back on it, I am furious!  I remember when the car ran the red light, a young man between the age of about 19-23 jumped out of his car sporting his “Texas Roadhouse” work shirt.  I thought to myself… are we so self absorbed that we care more about some temporary job, then the safety of the people around us?  That kid could have killed the two children that were in that mini van.  It really struck a cord with me!  Why do we have to be in such a hurry?  Is getting to work on time really life or death???  No it’s not, but speeding to get to work IS!!!!!! 

   As you are speeding down the road you mindlessly drive down everyday, take a minute to imagine a child running out into the road!  Are you so much in control of your car that you know you could react in time to save that child’s life?  If you think so, try imagining what a child’s body on your windshield would look like, then try answering that question?  It’s not worth taking the risk.  If this sounds harsh, GOOD!  That was my intention!!!  God help us all!

This morning I stepped outside of my house into sunshine!!!  Can you believe it!  There was actually sunshine this morning!  But still not being that adjusted to the Florida weather it was weird to see the sun shining and the rain still coming down.  So I looked behind me and there it was…. BLACK SKIES!!!

I’m from New England… so I actually like some of the Gray we have been getting… it’s the closest thing to a change of seasons that I get!  People think I am crazy, but I feel cozy in all this gloom. It’s not quite snow…. but I will take whatever I can get! 

WHY ME?!

At a time like this how could I even begin to question God? But I can’t help it, I do. I wonder; why am I so blessed? What is it about me that He has taken special interest in? I have a healthy family, great husband, beautiful children and my own health.

So why have I been so blessed?
I am not that great. I have not always lived to please God. As a matter of a fact, there was a time in my life where I was on the fast track to hell. I’ve made mistakes in my life that make me undeserving of all the good He has brought into my life. I have looked back on my past and actually asked, “How have I not died yet?!

And I think of children who are born addicted to heroin because their mother was a drug addict. I think of soldiers who fight for our freedom and in turn face death. I think of parents who are filled with unrelenting love for their children and have to watch as they suffer and pass on to be with God.

There is so much torture and sadness in this world. Just this morning on the news there was a story of a woman who was raped in her car at Walmart at 6am while her 18 month old child was in the back seat. Things like this bring me to my knees. And I thank God for all of my blessings.

The majority of us are blessed, we don’t have to carry such a burden. Yet, we are a society of complainers! If we don’t get our seven dollar triple fat vente iced latte just the way we want it, we throw a fit, we could care less if it’s the poor high schooler’s first day on the job! Instead of being thankful that we have the seven dollars to buy a drink, we complain! Now don’t get me wrong…. For seven dollars, we should be able to get it right…. But can’t we be both thankful and respectful in the process? Instead we live the fast paced life of me, me, me!!! And even when asked, “How are you today?” if we do decide to hold in our complaints to say, “Good thank you.” How many of us ask, “How are you?” And if you happen to be one of those compassionate people, do you listen to the answer? Do you care about the answer? Or are you too concerned with what’s wrong in your life. Some of us have it bad, but we do have it better then most. And so with that being said, take off your blinders and look around you. Look for something positive in your life. As bad as it might be, we all have something to be thankful for. Spring is a great time of year to do it, if there’s nothing good going on inside, look outside and listen to the birds sing. Even if you find yourself knocked to the ground, look up and you’ll find blue skies. Begin to take in all the good around you and you will find yourself questioning God too.

A year ago today, I was bracing myself to lose everything. I imagined that in my future I’d have no home, no money and be full of regret. I could not stand to be around myself, I wanted to hide. I’d wake up in the morning and before my feet would hit the floor I’d pray, “God help me”. There was nothing else that could come out of my mouth besides, “Please God Help Me!” My prayers were out of desperation. And then it hit me, why would I be so desperate, why would I feel so weak, how do any of these feelings confirm that I have faith in God to answer my prayers. I was scared to death of what turn the devil would take to make me suffer more, instead of standing strong with my proclaimed faith. And I realized that made me a target, being a pessimist made me a target. So, I began to press forward, I began to fight, I began to learn what it truly meant to have faith. Faith became all that I had to stand on. And faith got me through, because I refused to accept all the negative things around me. I’d like to say that one sunny day I awoke to a rainbow and a voice from the sky spoke to me and told me I was free. But the truth is, that did not happen. In fact, I still deal with repercussions from mistakes I have made, But God has freed me from my burdens. And I wake up every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I pray, “Thank You God.” I’m beginning to understand now why I have endured so much over the past few years. It was to make me grow up. I needed to grow up and realize how strong I can be, as long as I can accept the lessons thrown into my life and push through. This past May, I knew that I had passed the test. On my way home from work, I was stopped by police a quarter of a mile away from my house and I was told that I could not go home. The smoke that I saw filling the skies was coming from my street. The helicopters pouring water down, was on my house. People around me told me that it was not good, and that a lot of homes had burnt down to the ground. I accepted it. I made a few phone calls to tell people that my family and I were ok. And I went to buy a new toothbrush, and some soap. I was not angry, I was not sad, I was thankful. How in the world could I be thankful at a time when I thought that my family and I were homeless??? Well, I thought about the people who may not have insurance, I thought about how horrible it would be if we had been sleeping while this all occurred and I thought about how blessed I am to have all that God has given me, not material things, but rather the friends and family around me who love me. And I pressed on. The morning that we went back to the house to see the damage, and we saw a miracle. Surrounded by black and gray ash stood my home, with very minor damages. And no matter what the damage or what we lost, it could never compair to waking up every day to a healthy family. I feel like my life has gone full circle, and this time, instead of worrying, I just had faith that no matter what the results may be, I know my family and I are in God’s favor and we will be alright. God never promised that we would not struggle, but he did promise to always love us and take care of us. It can not be on our terms, it must be on His. You just have to have faith, instead of looking down at the circumstances that you are standing in, look ahead at what may be to come.  Thank You God.

They say that as you get older your life seems to go by faster.  Not being that old myself, I tend to want to debate that statement.  However, when I think about my days as a child, running around my neighborhood and being a young lemonade stand entrepreneur, those days seemed to last forever.  Now that I am a mother, I have so much joy and fulfillment in my life.  Though, I find myself constantly nostalgic and sometimes sad to see how quickly my children are growing up.  I think about how my mother felt and I wonder how she was able to maintain a positive attitude as she watched us all age.  My heart aches at the thought of letting go of my babies.  I think about my life and how much I have enjoyed every second of it, I have so many wonderful memories with my parents and I imagine that they hold the same great memories.  Last night I took my daughter to see a live nickelodeon show, and through her eyes I saw my baby becoming a little girl.  We had so much fun and as we drove home, I felt a sense of accomplishment because I knew I had done something my mother would have done for me.  And it dawned on me, all the memories and things that I have enjoyed in my life, my mother and father enjoyed just the same.  When I graduated kindergarten, when I went to my first prom, when I graduated from high school, when I got married, when I had my children, all the emotions that I was feeling, my parents felt with me.  And although through each stage it must have hurt them a little to see me grow, it warmed their hearts also.  My children are still young, and I pray that I never have to live a day of my life without my children in it.  I have many more memories to come.  I hope that I can be the kind of mother that protects them, while allowing them to live.  I want to be able to teach them, while giving them the opportunities to become anything or anyone they want.  When I was a child, I believed that I was going to be famous.  I was going to be a star.  And part of the reason, I was able to believe was because my mother believed just as much as I did.  Even if she knew what life really had to hold for me, she still told me to go for it.  And when life turned out to be something less then what I had expected, in her eyes, I had still become a success!  I know that as my children grow I will want to encourage them to achieve anything their heart wants, but I may struggle a little.  It is going to be difficult knowing that as they grow, my time with them will become increasingly limited.  I guess it’s true what they say, you’re life may seem to go by faster.  But if you are able to leave something behind, leave memories behind, the life you live will last forever.

So something pretty profound happened to me the other day. And This morning I realized that there is a use for my one and only talent. All of my life I have loved to write. It was the only way I knew how to truly express my emotions. A lot of times, I would write something and throw it away. I would never even show it to anyone because I felt better just having gotten thoughts out of my head and onto a piece of paper. Frequently, I write out my prayers because my mind does not work in a way that I can think just one clear thought. So, the only way for me to have a clear conversation with God is to sit down and write. And I have found that by tying these two things together I can accomplish something I have always wanted to do, but never knew how to. I have a desire in my heart to show people through my life how good God is. I have never been someone who was able to speak my mind. I do not have the gift of dance, as a matter of fact; I have no rhythm at all. As for singing, I once thought I was talented, but my husband gently assured me otherwise. Finally yesterday it hit me, and I have all of you to thank for it.

I posted a bulletin on myspace. It was one of my prayers. The out pour of replies was amazing. I received messages from people telling me that they would pray for me. Little ‘ole me! It was so moving. And the reason it meant so much to me was not only because of the care and concern that people showed for me, but more so, because I was able to get so many people to pray that day. I don’t know what their religion was, I don’t know what their beliefs may have been, but regardless, when in need of hope and healing, I had people praying to God for me. I’d like to think that in the midst of their prayers, they thought of their own family, and thanked God for them, or prayed for someone else who may need it. Just the thought of the tiny impact that I may have had filled me with such accomplishment. I realized yesterday that maybe my talent of writing, is going to be my gift to win people over to God, to start believing… or maybe go back to believing. Life can be so hard sometimes, it’s easy to doubt or question God, and my mission is to be the person that people can turn to and see that whether “Good or Bad, Happy or Sad” I will continue to Praise God.

The internet is viewed as such a horrible thing. Terrible, sinful things are posted on here everyday. I will work to use it for God’s glory. I will throw away any modesty that I hold in regards to my prayers and emotions in the hope that I can move someone into turning to God. I will show people that you can be a Christian AND a normal person. I will be the one who shows you, you don’t have to wear a suit and tie or lipstick and earrings to go to God and ask for help.

Chances are, if you are doing those two things simultaneously He already knows! And lastly, I will show you that you CAN have a sense of humor with God… Heck, he gave it to you!

So I will do my very best to continue to post blogs, if they serve as nothing more to you as something other then a survey to read, then so be it! You can judge me if you’d like, but first, give me a chance. I think that I can be a blessing to you and entertaining too. At the end of the day, those are my intentions. If you have read this far, Thank you. That alone has meant a lot to me.